Miss You Miss

When you lose a friend, you don't see them. You get over it. But when you lose a sister, you see them. But they aren't really there.

When I see you, I don't.

I see memories that

haunt me into dreaming

things were how

they used to be.

I need to come to

terms with the fact

that you're lost.

You're not coming back.

That when I see you, I can't."

Freedom

The most wonderful thing in the world just happened. Just now.
Just now, I felt nothing.
I mean, the more I think about it the more I feel the pain you've made me endure these past few months but for one moment, just now, I saw you.
I saw you and I felt nothing.

I'm free.

Xk

Crippled Sad

I write better when I'm angry... but this? This sinking sadness? This is too much.

My pen can't even stand straight enough to punctuate.

I can't even describe this in words. That's how fucked up you make me feel.

Me.

Not having the words.

It's laughable.

Only not even close.

You've broken me past my worst.

Again.

Congratulations.

I didn't think that was possible.

I know, now, to never say so.

Things have, and always will get worse.

Thank you for showing me the light.

Not So Amazing

And I don't know what to do now.

You were supposed to be my amazing grace, the one to save me. The one I found, the sweetest sound, but now I'm lost and I can't see because you're gone and left without me.

Xk

but I feel more sorry for you

Why don't you stop taking stabs at me to relieve your insecurities and start saying you're sorry?

I never understood why people had to lie to themselves and rip my heart and whole being to pieces because they were unhappy with their own.
I don't deserve it.

You don't know how much I already battle just to live each day.
You don't know how much I'm already hurting.
You don't know me, period.

Stop pointing fingers at me, because I think it's time for a new hobby called:
grow the fuck up.


Xk

Stranger's Tears

You know how they say "these are tears of joy"?

Well I've cried for a lot of things lately.
All I've lost,
all I don't have,
all I'll never have,
things I can't take back
and things I have or had no control over.

I've never had these so called "tears of joy".
Until tonight.
I cried for possibilty.

And that scares the shit out of me.

Future X

"You're getting married, huh?"

"Yep."

"You know what that means."
"What?"

"Divorce."

Xk

to the horse from the human

Cookie Cty Cookie,

When I said "I love you", I meant forever.

If there was a way to get you to understand how much it hurts me to even think to let you go, I'd find it.

We've gone through hell and back in the past years I've known you. I know I've kicked and screamed and whined for you to change. I know I've begged for you to have that 'push button' personality.

Cookie, if there's one thing I want for you in this life you lead, please, never change.

Never change baby horse, just cause people can't handle your spirit doesn't mean there is anything wrong it. It's the part of you no one ever understood how I could love so much. It's the part I hate to leave behind the most.

You've healed me in so many ways Cookie, I can't begin to tell you. I'll always remember those times where you put your head to my stomach and let me hold onto you. It's like you knew that's all I ever really needed: someone to hold onto.


You are my horse and I am your human. Always.

Xk

And time only sets it deeper

Regret

It burns and foils only the sweetest of memories, forever landing those thoughts in a whirl pool of sorrow and pain.

For moments I wandered, leaves rustling, curling beneath my feet, trying to figure it all out.
Once while I stood there, knee high shrubs burying my shoes, I thought of you. The sky a dark, swirling grey, setting the mood swing I was in, to let that thought go was near impossible.

Of all the petty things I've done, as I stood in the darkness, as my tears overwhelmed my sight, I knew this was, unmistakeably, the worst."

Xk

death makes me strong

Death

The only thing certain in life is death.

The 100% of it is what scares me and the reaction is what breaks my heart.

I sat there, holding your trembling hands, wishing I could ease your pain. Wishing I could kiss away very tear streaming elegantly down your rose flushed cheeks and make everything back to the way it was only moments ago. Wishing that your head didn't have to be pressed against my neck in fear and sorrow but in love and romance. Wishing that your legs were too weak from a day of running, laughing, playing, not from the words you had just come to hear. Wishing that for just one moment you could smile again, tell me everything was OK again, love the world again. but I could not.

And as I sat there, now cradling your shaken body in my arms, my own tears mixed with your hair. As I know, one day, I might make you feel this way. As I know, one day, I will die.

This is what makes me strong. I will not let myself leave you. I stay strong for you, but I will not let you leave me without following soon after."

Xk

let me rest in peace

Insomnia biting at my brain, picking me apart silently, I cant control my thoughts long enough to sleep well. Even when I do manage to sleep, I don't escape. My thoughts run unbound to do as they will. against me.

So I hide.

I am an insomniac on purpose these days because I cant fend of these nightmares and I'm too weak to do anything different.

I wake up, hands quivering, stomach heaving, eyes clenched so tight it begins to hurt, far gone with too many tears to keep track. My pillows are saltly soaked and smeared with cosmetics from the previous night. My shirt is bunched up against my cold clammy skin, I cant get myself to pull it down.

I had something worse than a nightmare.
I dreamt you didnt exist.
but it cant be true, because I cant exist without you."

Xk

girl, you sicken me

Girls. I dont have many friends who are "girls"

that stereotypical image of a girl we all know we see in our minds. I shudder to think I could be one of those "girls."

And whats even worse? To be the girl who lusts after the idea.

Hatred is just another cover up for jealousy.

And even though she can hear their whispers, their negative blows, she smiles. She might even exhale a small, but quiet laugh. She knows its all lies.

To talk bad is to be afraid.

And the sick part is this: even if only for a second, if that girl asks for you, you're hooked. You are instantly under her spell, instantly a friend because you're afraid. afraid of what would happen if that one girl, the "pretty girl", said she didnt like you.
And deep within your shallow mind, you yearn to be just like her. To be the "pretty girl"

You sicken me."

Xk

At All

You dont know me and I dont know you.

but thats ok.

I think I like how that relationship sounds, to be honest. Not claiming any knowledge on eachother other than the fact that I like to talk, and you like to listen.

Come to think of it...I dont really feel like I know me either.

I don't feel like I know myself. at all. That's how sad our mind is. Our brain power.

We can't remember our first word. Our first breath. Our first smile. We can't remember the first face we fell in love with based on physicalities and instincts alone.

I don't claim to know anyone at all."

Xk

Home Sweet Home

Welcome home, thoughts gone stray. get comfortable, we are here for the long haul.

Home. I never felt as if I was ever there. What is this home you speak of?

A home isnt always where you live. We knew this. Before I met you, I knew. Somehow I knew I wasnt home until I found you.

I had a house, but wasnt home.
I had relationships, but I wasnt loved.
I had a life, but I wasnt living.

And when you left, I wasnt dead. Death would have been easier, life was torture. Everything around me was a reminder that you were gone. Even the things I didnt expect. The quiet breeze was your breath, the sunshine your smile. The moon was your soul and the stars your dreams. I was utterly surrounded by you when you were gone."

Xk