Miss You Miss

When you lose a friend, you don't see them. You get over it. But when you lose a sister, you see them. But they aren't really there.

When I see you, I don't.

I see memories that

haunt me into dreaming

things were how

they used to be.

I need to come to

terms with the fact

that you're lost.

You're not coming back.

That when I see you, I can't."

Freedom

The most wonderful thing in the world just happened. Just now.
Just now, I felt nothing.
I mean, the more I think about it the more I feel the pain you've made me endure these past few months but for one moment, just now, I saw you.
I saw you and I felt nothing.

I'm free.

Xk

Crippled Sad

I write better when I'm angry... but this? This sinking sadness? This is too much.

My pen can't even stand straight enough to punctuate.

I can't even describe this in words. That's how fucked up you make me feel.

Me.

Not having the words.

It's laughable.

Only not even close.

You've broken me past my worst.

Again.

Congratulations.

I didn't think that was possible.

I know, now, to never say so.

Things have, and always will get worse.

Thank you for showing me the light.

Not So Amazing

And I don't know what to do now.

You were supposed to be my amazing grace, the one to save me. The one I found, the sweetest sound, but now I'm lost and I can't see because you're gone and left without me.

Xk

found someone's wings

Found an unclaimed angel who came only to my knees when I visited some relatives on Easter.

You never realize how much you miss someone until you visit their grave...

also found on HERE

Xk

Choices Made

suicide isn't always the answer for everyone.

Just know
that when I left you
it broke my heart.

And I know
that doesn't make sense.

And I know
that isn't very fair,

but

life's not fair.

Which is what you're crying
right now.

I'm crying too
right now.

I was trying to help.

I'll be dead soon anyway.

And you'll hate me for leaving you.

When all I was trying to do was escape
the fact that you couldn't save me.

I didn't want to see you fail."

Xk

Stranger's Tears

You know how they say "these are tears of joy"?

Well I've cried for a lot of things lately.
All I've lost,
all I don't have,
all I'll never have,
things I can't take back
and things I have or had no control over.

I've never had these so called "tears of joy".
Until tonight.
I cried for possibilty.

And that scares the shit out of me.

Passion MIA

That blinking line on the blank page keeps telling me to, but I just can't find it in me to write like I used to.

And I'm a little more than heart broken.

loss of muse.
loss of reason.
loss of friends.
loss of life.

I'm lost, please help me find me again."

Xk

Future X

"You're getting married, huh?"

"Yep."

"You know what that means."
"What?"

"Divorce."

Xk

to the horse from the human

Cookie Cty Cookie,

When I said "I love you", I meant forever.

If there was a way to get you to understand how much it hurts me to even think to let you go, I'd find it.

We've gone through hell and back in the past years I've known you. I know I've kicked and screamed and whined for you to change. I know I've begged for you to have that 'push button' personality.

Cookie, if there's one thing I want for you in this life you lead, please, never change.

Never change baby horse, just cause people can't handle your spirit doesn't mean there is anything wrong it. It's the part of you no one ever understood how I could love so much. It's the part I hate to leave behind the most.

You've healed me in so many ways Cookie, I can't begin to tell you. I'll always remember those times where you put your head to my stomach and let me hold onto you. It's like you knew that's all I ever really needed: someone to hold onto.


You are my horse and I am your human. Always.

Xk

And time only sets it deeper

Regret

It burns and foils only the sweetest of memories, forever landing those thoughts in a whirl pool of sorrow and pain.

For moments I wandered, leaves rustling, curling beneath my feet, trying to figure it all out.
Once while I stood there, knee high shrubs burying my shoes, I thought of you. The sky a dark, swirling grey, setting the mood swing I was in, to let that thought go was near impossible.

Of all the petty things I've done, as I stood in the darkness, as my tears overwhelmed my sight, I knew this was, unmistakeably, the worst."

Xk

death makes me strong

Death

The only thing certain in life is death.

The 100% of it is what scares me and the reaction is what breaks my heart.

I sat there, holding your trembling hands, wishing I could ease your pain. Wishing I could kiss away very tear streaming elegantly down your rose flushed cheeks and make everything back to the way it was only moments ago. Wishing that your head didn't have to be pressed against my neck in fear and sorrow but in love and romance. Wishing that your legs were too weak from a day of running, laughing, playing, not from the words you had just come to hear. Wishing that for just one moment you could smile again, tell me everything was OK again, love the world again. but I could not.

And as I sat there, now cradling your shaken body in my arms, my own tears mixed with your hair. As I know, one day, I might make you feel this way. As I know, one day, I will die.

This is what makes me strong. I will not let myself leave you. I stay strong for you, but I will not let you leave me without following soon after."

Xk

Home Sweet Home

Welcome home, thoughts gone stray. get comfortable, we are here for the long haul.

Home. I never felt as if I was ever there. What is this home you speak of?

A home isnt always where you live. We knew this. Before I met you, I knew. Somehow I knew I wasnt home until I found you.

I had a house, but wasnt home.
I had relationships, but I wasnt loved.
I had a life, but I wasnt living.

And when you left, I wasnt dead. Death would have been easier, life was torture. Everything around me was a reminder that you were gone. Even the things I didnt expect. The quiet breeze was your breath, the sunshine your smile. The moon was your soul and the stars your dreams. I was utterly surrounded by you when you were gone."

Xk