Miss You Miss

When you lose a friend, you don't see them. You get over it. But when you lose a sister, you see them. But they aren't really there.

When I see you, I don't.

I see memories that

haunt me into dreaming

things were how

they used to be.

I need to come to

terms with the fact

that you're lost.

You're not coming back.

That when I see you, I can't."

Freedom

The most wonderful thing in the world just happened. Just now.
Just now, I felt nothing.
I mean, the more I think about it the more I feel the pain you've made me endure these past few months but for one moment, just now, I saw you.
I saw you and I felt nothing.

I'm free.

Xk

Crippled Sad

I write better when I'm angry... but this? This sinking sadness? This is too much.

My pen can't even stand straight enough to punctuate.

I can't even describe this in words. That's how fucked up you make me feel.

Me.

Not having the words.

It's laughable.

Only not even close.

You've broken me past my worst.

Again.

Congratulations.

I didn't think that was possible.

I know, now, to never say so.

Things have, and always will get worse.

Thank you for showing me the light.

found someone's wings

Found an unclaimed angel who came only to my knees when I visited some relatives on Easter.

You never realize how much you miss someone until you visit their grave...

also found on HERE

Xk

Choices Made

suicide isn't always the answer for everyone.

Just know
that when I left you
it broke my heart.

And I know
that doesn't make sense.

And I know
that isn't very fair,

but

life's not fair.

Which is what you're crying
right now.

I'm crying too
right now.

I was trying to help.

I'll be dead soon anyway.

And you'll hate me for leaving you.

When all I was trying to do was escape
the fact that you couldn't save me.

I didn't want to see you fail."

Xk

Stranger's Tears

You know how they say "these are tears of joy"?

Well I've cried for a lot of things lately.
All I've lost,
all I don't have,
all I'll never have,
things I can't take back
and things I have or had no control over.

I've never had these so called "tears of joy".
Until tonight.
I cried for possibilty.

And that scares the shit out of me.

Future X

"You're getting married, huh?"

"Yep."

"You know what that means."
"What?"

"Divorce."

Xk

to the horse from the human

Cookie Cty Cookie,

When I said "I love you", I meant forever.

If there was a way to get you to understand how much it hurts me to even think to let you go, I'd find it.

We've gone through hell and back in the past years I've known you. I know I've kicked and screamed and whined for you to change. I know I've begged for you to have that 'push button' personality.

Cookie, if there's one thing I want for you in this life you lead, please, never change.

Never change baby horse, just cause people can't handle your spirit doesn't mean there is anything wrong it. It's the part of you no one ever understood how I could love so much. It's the part I hate to leave behind the most.

You've healed me in so many ways Cookie, I can't begin to tell you. I'll always remember those times where you put your head to my stomach and let me hold onto you. It's like you knew that's all I ever really needed: someone to hold onto.


You are my horse and I am your human. Always.

Xk

It's Their Fault

I hate my parents.

not because they dont love me

because I exist.

Xk

Nothing Without the Past

You cannot write something and expect it to hold meaning to anyone, to be believable in any sort of way, unless you have felt the emotion you are trying to portray in your own life at some point in time.

I wouldn't dare try.

"What do you do?"

"Nothing."

"Tell me."

"I write."

"What can you of all people have to write about?"

"Its personal."

"What? A bunch of sappy stories of love?"

"I can write of dreams, I can write of hurt and regret and sorrow. Misery, angst and fury. I can write of broken words, failures, and disloyalty, but I cannot write of love."

"Why not?"

"Ive never felt it."

Xk

And time only sets it deeper

Regret

It burns and foils only the sweetest of memories, forever landing those thoughts in a whirl pool of sorrow and pain.

For moments I wandered, leaves rustling, curling beneath my feet, trying to figure it all out.
Once while I stood there, knee high shrubs burying my shoes, I thought of you. The sky a dark, swirling grey, setting the mood swing I was in, to let that thought go was near impossible.

Of all the petty things I've done, as I stood in the darkness, as my tears overwhelmed my sight, I knew this was, unmistakeably, the worst."

Xk